


Jealous

by BallumOasis



Category: Ballum, EastEnders (TV)
Genre: Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-13
Updated: 2019-12-13
Packaged: 2021-02-24 16:48:38
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,647
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21781204
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BallumOasis/pseuds/BallumOasis
Summary: Fic based around the lyrics to Jealous by Labrinth
Relationships: Callum "Halfway" Highway/Ben Mitchell
Kudos: 41





	Jealous

**Author's Note:**

> Hello to everyone reading this!  
> this is my first ever fic. i had the idea after listening to the song late at night.
> 
> lyrics can be found in brackets   
> enjoy :)

(i’m jealous of the rain  
that falls upon your skin  
it’s closer than my hands have been  
i’m jealous of the rain)

he sat in the car lot, peering through the window. people rushed through the square, desperate not to get caught in the stormy weather. but still, in the massive crowd, ben managed to spot him. a t-shirt hung loosely over his slim frame. ben chuckled lightly to himself, of course callum would be the one to get caught without a jacket in the pouring rain. bens mind wondered as he watched callum pass through the square, oh how he wished he was running his fingers over callum’s skin.

(i’m jealous of the wind  
that ripples through your clothes  
it’s closer than your shadow  
oh, i’m jealous of the wind)

typical english weather, sun in the sky but still a chilly wind blew. ben found himself feeling a sense of deja vu. he stood at the window again, watching as callum ran through the garden once more, his slightly oversized training tee rippling as the wind picked up again. oh how ben wished to be that close to callum.

(cause i wished you the best of   
all this world could give  
and i told you when you left me  
there’s nothing to forgive)

no matter what happened, they said they’d always care for each other. the joy they’d brought to each other was enthralling while it lasted. ultimately, they drove themselves apart. callum had his heart set on his new career goals and ben couldn’t change his own destiny, as much as he’d tried. they’d ended it amicably and wished each other the best. ben was distraught and disappointed, he’d lost far too much previously with paul, and had thrown callum away. ben apologised for not being able to change, but callum said there was nothing to be sorry for, considering the fact that ben had changed callum for the better.

(but i always thought you’d come back  
tell me all you found was   
heartbreak and misery)

since callum, ben had felt nothing - except regret. everyday, ben debated with himself wether to walk to the parlour and declare his love for callum, like he wished he’d had done when callum was his. but, he could never bring himself to do it, he was just a shell of his former self. in the back of his mind, ben hoped every time he saw callum head towards the car lot, he was on his way to tell ben about his feelings, and how every boy he’d got with had ended in another heartbreak. but, to ben, that was all just small hopes and dreams.

(it’s hard for me to say  
i’m jealous of the way  
you’re happy without me)

ben had changed, and everyone could see it. the once arrogant, witty, fun character had been replaced with a dull, quiet and boring replica. his once tasteful wardrobe was now filled with the same black top and jogging bottoms. his complexion had changed, his once bright face had become grey. callum however, was still the same old callum. the cheeky chappy was still there, the kindness, the constant smile. and ben hated that, because he knew that callum was happy without him.

(i’m jealous of the nights  
that i don’t spend with you  
i wonder who you lay next to  
oh, i’m jealous of the nights)

at the peak of their relationship, they were rarely ever seen singularly. it was always ben and callum. not just ben, not just callum. they were inseparable, and the love they shared was real. once, many months ago, they’d lay together on the bed just talking, holding, stealing little glances and kisses from each other every now and again. now though, ben lies there alone. he half expects to roll over, and be greeted with callum’s messy hair coving his peaceful face, but that’s just a memory of happier times. the bed is cold, his pillow is wet from the tears he’s shed. there is one thought running through his head constantly as he rolls over now - where is callum and who is he with.

(i’m jealous of the love   
love that was in here  
gone for someone else to share  
oh, i’m jealous of the love)

every now and again, he’s sees callum with someone new. laughing, flirting. he can’t help but feel jealousy bubbling lowly in his stomach. the love he feels will remain forever, and the feeling of callum’s love is imprinted deep in his heart like a tattoo. but callum was moving on, someone else shared his love now, and that broke ben.

(cause i wished you the best of  
all this world could give  
and i told you when you left me  
there’s nothing to forgive)

seeing callum and his new man in the square was a daily struggle for ben. the awkwardness passed between them every time they stopped to speak to each other. callum being callum would constantly apologise, ben reminding him every time that there was no need to be sorry and that they’d both come to the same decision and all was well between them. nothing was ever well between them unless they were together. 

(but i always thought you’d come back  
tell me all you found was  
heartbreak and misery)

6 months passed. soon that became a year. every knock at the door ben hoped was callum coming home to ben, where he belonged. every bell in the cafe ben hoped to be callum in need of comfort. every conversation they had ben hoped callum would talk about how his boyfriend has caused him pain and misery and suffering, then maybe ben would have a chance again.

(it’s hard for me to say  
i’m jealous of the way  
you’re happy without me)

no one knew how ben felt. not even callum. every conversation, ben would hope he had the courage to tell callum his feelings. but then the chat was over, and ben had chickened our again. frustration and anger coursed his veins every time, and he would numb the pain in the only way ben knee fit, by going out and getting smashed out of his mind and ending up in some kind of scrap.

(as i sink in the sand  
watch you slip through my hands  
oh, as i die here another day, yeah  
cause all i do is cry)

as time went on and the world kept spinning, ben began to lose callum. he would see him less, and when he did see him it was never to chat for longer than a simple ‘alright’ in passing. ben cared for nothing anymore, every night he’d follow his same pattern of drinking himself into oblivion, because if he was number by alcohol he wouldn’t be number by the pain. sometimes, he’d be gone for days on end with no contact to anyone. in that time, he’d have hookup after hookup, fight after fight. everyone close to him was worried, he’d pushed them all away, refused to utter a word to anyone about his feelings. he was acting the same as when he lost paul, but worse. the car lot was his safe space. every morning he’d get there, get inside, lock the door, slide down it and cry himself a flood. 

(i wished you the best of  
all this world could give  
and i told you when you left me  
there’s nothing to forgive)

ben needed to move on. but that was easier said than done. he knew that. what him and callum has was special, something he hadn’t had since paul. but, he knew he’d always love callum, how could he not. however, callum had moved on, with a detective from the station. ben and callum had come to blows in the car lot. once callum heard wind of bens recent activity from kathy, callum felt guilty that bens actions were because of callum. they’d shouted, cried. both sat bloodied from the few punches thrown. ben cried into callum’s side, reminiscent of happy times, mumbling apologies to callum frequently. callum once again reminded ben that they’d both come to the decision to separate, for the best of both of them, even if deep down he felt miserable and lost without the young mitchell.

(it’s hard for me to say  
i’m jealous of the way  
you’re happy without me)

as ben stood at the window once more, he pulled the blinds to the side slightly and looked out into the square. he saw the familiar faces, and through all the chaos, he them there. he didn’t bother to tear his eyes away as he watched the hand cup callum’s face and him place a soft kiss upon callum’s lips. as the man walked off towards the market, ben turned his eyes to callum’s tall figure. callum was clad in his police uniform, hat on his head. as he stared, he saw the expression on callum’s face. the smile. the smile that showed he was completely besotted and in love. ben knew this because he’d seen it many a time before. ben felt the slight twinge of jealousy course through him. this was hard for him, but he had to move on. taking out his phone he typed the simple message and sent it.

——

callum has just returned to the flat. dumping his keys and work phone on the counter, he changed into comfier clothes and walked towards the sofa. he sat and put the tv on, not that he would end up watching it. picking his personal phone of the table, he read his notifications. one caught his eye though. tears began to build as he read the contact name, then simple text that had so much emotion in its meaning.

B❣️ 9.30 am  
it’s hard for me to say, i’m jealous of the way,   
you’re happy without me.

**Author's Note:**

> To anyone who made it this far  
> thank you for taking the time to read my work. please leave comments, both good and bad, to let me know what you liked and where i can improve!  
> Thanks again x


End file.
